RENATI THE KING
A Play
by Gian DiDonna
Page III
THE AMBASSADOR:
Not at all. I came in haste and simply forgot it.
RENATI:
You forgot it.
THE AMBASSADOR:
Sincerely.
RENATI:
To the center of the room, viper.
Renati moves the Ambassador toward the dog parts with the point of his sword.
THE AMBASSADOR:
No, please! Not the center. I can’t bear it.
RENATI:
Do it or I’ll make a corpse of you as well!
THE AMBASSADOR:
No! I won’t! Not under Bonne-Bonne. Little little Bonne-Bonne. You swore you’d care for him!
RENATI:
I did. But the bugger had me suspicious. He had something to hide! I would call to him and he would turn away. Avoid contact! And you know how I insist on eye contact, Ambassador!
Renati pokes the back of Ambassador’s legs with the sword’s tip. Ambassador falls to his knees.
THE AMBASSADOR:
You’re going to kill me, aren’t you?
RENATI:
Why shouldn’t I? You damn near well killed me. It’s been nearly a fortnight since you attended me!
THE AMBASSADOR:
I can explain my lack of attendance—
RENATI:
I won’t tolerate any more of your school boy excuses!
THE AMBASSADOR:
But I was ill. Deathly ill. That’s why I didn’t blow the horn. Because I cannot produce enough wind to fill the instrument.
RENATI:
You and I both know there’s enough wind in you to blow this frigate back to Rotterdam in one breath!
(Pause)
Stop chirping about the dog. What’s a dog in the end anyway? A random bundle of reflexes coordinated by Chance into something that defecates. Cutting them while they’re dead does me no good.
(Looking up at the dog heads)
You know, Ambassador, I’ve looked in every cavity of their bodies, excavated every fold of flesh and under-flesh and found no indication of a purpose anywhere. No sign of . . .
Suddenly Ambassador’s eyes widen.
THE AMBASSADOR:
(To himself)
No.
RENATI:
What is it, Ambassador?
THE AMBASSADOR:
I don’t think I can I even bring myself to ask such a question. What have you done with . . . you know . . .
(Pause)
The innards?
Pause
RENATI:
What do you think I did? I ate them.
THE AMBASSADOR:
(Crying out)
Noooooooo!!!!!
RENATI:
It’s your own fault. Two weeks without nourishment! Without wine! I require warmth in my liquids! I require meat! Salted meat!
The Ambassador cries. Renati moves to him. Sword at his throat.
RENATI: (cont’d)
Compose yourself, woman.
THE AMBASSADOR:
Let me live. That’s all I ask of you. Please let me live.
RENATI:
Perhaps I will. What’s this garment strewn about your neck?
THE AMBASSADOR:
This? Nothing.
RENATI:
It’s not nothing. How could it be? I’m looking right at it. Is it mink?
THE AMBASSADOR:
Mink? I sincerely doubt it.
RENATI:
(Touching it)
Of course it is. It is genuine mink.
Renati slaps the Ambassador.
THE AMBASSADOR:
No! No hitting. Please, Monsieur, if you’d like to wear it—
Renati slaps him again.
RENATI:
Have you noticed how blue my lips are? How stiff my fingers have grown? Have you seen my wig there on that makeshift bust? Have you acknowledged its sad condition? Do you know who gave that to me? It was a gift from the Stadtholder of Amsterdam. Do you recall what stature I held then? How far above other men I stood?
THE AMBASSADOR:
I do, Monsieur Renati. And you will be restored to that form, if you’d only believe in me.
RENATI:
I was on the brink of absolute glamour, a scholar who nearly became the token prince of Orange. Then the sky caved in, and it no longer became safe for a man to think freely. So I renewed my vows as a Catholic and practiced Reason clandestinely. That’s when you came calling. A citizen of France promising to bring me into the light of the free world as a peace offering between France and her majesty the strumpet of Sweden.
THE AMBASSADOR:
Monsieur, you really mustn’t refer to her ladyship with such profanity if you expect—
RENATI:
I left Amsterdam and all it promised and put my faith in her, in you, and in France’s alliance with Sweden! But where is France now? Where am I? And where is the strumpet?
THE AMBASSADOR:
I am France, Monsieur. You have not erred by following me! I have been by your side for twenty years—
RENATI:
Time is the villain, here, not the comforter, you idiot! Look at that wig! I’ve had that for twenty years! What use is it to me now?
Renati seizes the wig.
RENATI: (cont’d)
Take that, you traitor!
Renati forces the wig under Ambassador’s nose. Ambassador covers his mouth in nausea.
THE AMBASSADOR:
Oh, Monsieur! Take it away! I can’t breathe!
RENATI:
I’ve grown consumptive from having had to endure the bitterness of the North, and you have the audacity to parade before me in the full pageantry of mink!
THE AMBASSADOR:
I must relieve myself!
RENATI:
Give me the mink!
THE AMBASSADOR:
Take it. Take all the clothes on my back.
The Ambassador throws the cloak at Renati’s feet. Renati puts it on.
RENATI:
You can relieve yourself in the far corner.
The Ambassador makes his way to a bucket and heaves.
RENATI: (cont’d)
Where did you ever find an article of such luxury on a tundra as godforsaken as Sweden?
THE AMBASSADOR:
I stole it.
The Ambassador vomits in the bucket.
RENATI:
You?
THE AMBASSADOR:
They treat Catholics miserably in this country. I’m lucky to be alive.
The Ambassador looks up. In the darkness he is able to make out what remains of the image of the “Savior”.
THE AMBASSADOR: (cont’d)
God save me from this horror. Please.
Renati studies his mink.
THE AMBASSADOR: (cont’d)
How could you? How could you have put a hole in the savior’s head?
RENATI:
(Lost in his reflection)
I could be a king with a mink like this.
THE AMBASSADOR:
Monsieur!
RENATI:
Ha!
THE AMBASSADOR:
What have you done to the image of God!
RENATI:
What does it look like I’ve done to it!
THE AMBASSADOR:
Have you become godless, Monsieur?
RENATI:
I didn’t choose it. The greatness was thrust upon me.
THE AMBASSADOR:
You told me you loved God. That’s why you were chosen for this assignment. You are the only man in Europe, in the entire world, as far as anyone knows the world, who has been able to reconcile God with science.
RENATI:
I no longer have faith in either!
THE AMBASSADOR:
But you must!
RENATI:
I refuse to obey anyone but myself!
(Suddenly)
I want to know what you’ve done to her.
THE AMBASSADOR:
To whom?
RENATI:
The Queen, you idiot! You promised me a return visit to her court. You told me she awarded it. That was weeks ago. Since then, its become apparent that have you have gained license to her court, but not I. Would you care to explain that?
THE AMBASSADOR:
Surely I would, Monsieur. It’s because I am a diplomat.
RENATI:
A diplomat? You’re nothing more than a liaison; a broker!
Long silence.
THE AMBASSADOR:
You’re right. I am ashamed that you still call me your Ambassador. I have failed you, Monsieur. This is the cruelest winter I’ve ever known. And to have left you trapped down here all these months. Do you know they’re saying it’s been the coldest winter on record?
RENATI:
They always say that.
THE AMBASSADOR:
But this time it’s true. Icebergs have been found floating as far south as Venice. I have tried, Monsieur. You must believe me. But one cannot ask a Swede to sympathize with the Mediterranean constitution. They have no cognizance of what it means. You know what I’ve learned above all else, Monsieur?
RENATI:
Tell me.
THE AMBASSADOR:
That to be born a Swede is to like the cold. Hence, to like the cold is to be born a Swede.
RENATI:
That’s what you’ve learned.
THE AMBASSADOR:
It took some time, but I came to accept it.
RENATI:
And is this your attempt at a theory, Ambassador?
THE AMBASSADOR:
No, no theory at all, Monsieur. It is Nature.
RENATI:
Nature?
Renati slaps the Ambassador.
THE AMBASSADOR:
Why are you slapping me, Monsieur.
RENATI:
Tell me do you imagine a dog barks because it’s in his nature?
THE AMBASSADOR:
Naturally. Why else—
Suddenly Renati lets out a vicious bark.
THE AMBASSADOR: (cont’d)
And why are you barking at me, Monsieur?
Renati seizes the head of a dog from the string above and places it on his hand like a puppet. He barks viciously and snaps at Ambassador with the dog’s teeth.
THE AMBASSADOR: (cont’d)
Monsieur, what do you think you’re doing!
He barks loudly and sharply.
RENATI:
Am I a dog, Ambassador? Do you think I bark because of my Nature? No, on the contrary. I bark because I have a motive to bark! I bark because you are an imbecile!
Renati flings the dog’s head at Ambassador.
THE AMBASSADOR:
Damn you, Monsieur!
RENATI:
What did you say?
THE AMBASSADOR:
I said, damn you! And damn you again! This is the line! The charade is over! The game has ended! It is time you came to your senses!
RENATI:
(Desperate)
Why must the burden of sensibility always be put on me when it is you who treat me so insensibly?
THE AMBASSADOR:
If you had only done the one thing you were summoned here to do, all would have been well by now. It was your duty to find a cure for Sweden’s melancholia. Her majesty expects you to unveil your findings at the inauguration tomorrow. What have you to show for it?
RENATI:
Inauguration? What inauguration?
THE AMBASSADOR:
The inauguration of her new Royal Theatre. It is there, on a stage before her entire court, that she wants to name you the court philosopher of Sweden.
RENATI:
In a theatre?
THE AMBASSADOR:
A Royal Theatre.
RENATI:
This is unacceptable.
THE AMBASSADOR:
What is unacceptable is that she expects you to arrive with the cure in hand and you have not found a cure! France is counting on you. But in all this time, have you found the cure, Monsieur? No, of course not! You ask me to provide you with dogs so that you might observe the mechanics of their behavior, and what have you done with them? You asked me to furnish you with various clocks so that you might coordinate the mechanics of time with their animal behavior, and what has become of those clocks? Sweden’s melancholia, Monsieur! It was the reason you were brought here. It was the cornerstone of my contract with the Queen.
RENATI:
Perhaps I should be cast as her court jester? Perhaps I am a jester to all humanity.
THE AMBASSADOR:
What on earth do you mean?
RENATI:
The world is plagued with disease and malnourishment and the bitch has fallen into the stupor of Art? Doesn’t she know that there’s only one theater of any real significance? If she wants to see Art, I’ll show her Art! I’ll show her the palpitating performance of the human body! I’ll cut my own open if it brings her back to her senses!
(Pause)
You haven’t had a conversion too, have you, Ambassador? Please don’t tell me you’re planning to return to France as an agent of theatrical talent?
THE AMBASSADOR:
France is the last place in the world I’d seek theatrical talent.
Suddenly Renati let’s out a violent scream. Then, laughter explodes from above.
RENATI:
Do you hear them, Ambassador! Do you see how incessant they are in their mockery of me!
THE AMBASSADOR:
Who?
RENATI:
Them! They’re merciless in their antagonism!
THE AMBASSADOR:
Monsieur?
RENATI:
What?
(Silence)
What!
THE AMBASSADOR:
Nothing.
RENATI:
Oh! I’ve had enough of this! I want her leg returned to me, Ambassador! Do you understand! I want it brought to me now!
THE AMBASSADOR:
Leg? Who’s leg! What are you talking about?
RENATI:
My daughter’s leg! My daughter’s dismembered leg! They broke in here and tore it from her body! Do you see how they jarred the slide-bolt from the door frame!
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